Jack The Hapless Crewman
by ExasperatedOctopus
Summary: Um. How do I…? I mean, is this thing on? Is that what the little light is? I hope I didn't just prime the proton torpedoes or something. Oh. It is on. Ahem. Captain's Log, Stardate 1575.3. Lieutenant Ja-KZZZKT ZZTS-ing for when the Captain wakes up. Because he will. And so will everyone else. Any minute now.
1. Chapter 1

I do not own Star Trek, anything related to Star Trek, or anything remotely familiar. Enjoy.

((()))

 _Um. How do I…? I mean, is this thing on? Is that what the little light is? I hope I didn't just prime the proton torpedoes or something._

 _Oh. It_ is _on. Ahem._

 _Captain's Log, Stardate 1575.3. Lieutenant Ja-KZZZKT ZZTS-ing for when the Captain wakes up. Because he will. And so will everyone else. Any minute now._

 _…_

 _Any minute._

 _…_

 _While I'm waiting for you to wake up, Captain, I'd like to apologize for kicking you out of your chair. I needed it, and you can take it back just as soon as you're awake._ OR NOT.

…

 _It was worth a shot. Usually someone threatening the Enterprise does_ something _when you're unconscious. Anyway, status report: I'm the only one awake. Does that make me acting captain by default?_

 _It has been approximately an hour since everyone spontaneously collapsed for reasons I cannot fathom, and I've been going around the ship and securing as many people as possible. Mostly people in Engineering, but Doctor McCoy was holding an activated laser scalpel when I checked into Medical._

 _The computer can do ship-wide sweeps to find individuals with certain parameters, did you know? I vote we use that next time we're invaded by doppelgangers, it would really save a lot of trouble. The only problem is there's something wrong with the cameras, and so I can't visually check to make sure everything is secure. The scanners are on the fritz too._

 _I hope I got everyone. Besides, I'm not planning on any ship-acrobatics, so even if I did miss someone they should be okay._

 _I've looked at the readings for the time of the mass loss of conscience, and as far as I can tell, Captain, we went through some sort of viscous, proton-rich portion of space and that somehow took out the whole crew. More on that as I go along._

 _I was in the midst of an experiment with sub-space transmissions when Ensign Yeltz went down, and, honestly, I wouldn't have noticed if she hadn't also taken me with her. I think we spilled one of Mr. Spock's projects. Sorry sir, I promise I'll help you fix it when you wake up._

 _The ship also experienced mild turbulence, and until I can get the cameras to corroborate, I'm assuming when Yeltz fell so did everyone else. This suggests whatever affected the crew was solid enough to affect the flight path of the Enterprise. I'd posit we essentially hit a dark matter bubble, as bizarre as that sounds._

 _It's always been a pain to detect those, but I don't know if anyone's actually_ flown _through such a concentrated mass before. It was like the galactic barrier all over again, but without the crazy after-effects. I think._

 _As soon as I'm done here I'm going to scan myself for anomalies and try to fix them. It wouldn't be very helpful if I suddenly became a raving lunatic, but I think I'll be fine, mostly because I've encountered PADD's with higher ESP than me. Still, better safe than sorry, Captain, I think you've lost enough people to that particular phenomenon._

 _My continued consciousness has to have something to do with my project, and so maybe I can replicate the effects on everyone else, and…_

 _Is that a_ star _?_

 _Well sh-KZZRT._

 _((())))_

 _Captain's Log, Stardate 1576.3, temporary acting captain reporting. Sorry for cutting off so soon last time Captain. I think it was the magnetic interference from the star we almost just rammed into._

 _I mean, a_ star _, of all things? Of_ all _the places in the universe the ship happened to be aimed at,_ why _on_ Earth-

 _No. No, it's okay. I'm fine. We're all fine. Right?_

 _Computer, scan the crew's biological signs. Now._

 _…_

 _Okay, we're not missing anyone. Just…one minute, Captain._

 _…_

 _Aheh, sorry for that. Almost flying into a star is a bit stressful, and I'm not Command for a reason. Or a pilot, for that matter._

 _To report: it seems as if Mr. Sulu hit something when he collapsed, which changed our bearing just enough to knock us off from the clear bearing to the base we were heading to. It wouldn't have really been a problem, but all of our more delicate instruments are decalibrated or not working, including sensors and navigation equipment, so nothing registered until it was too late._

 _When I say_ registered _, I mean that I literally saw the star through the external cameras, which are still working for some reason. As you can imagine, that didn't leave much time for reaction._

 _We were already within the danger zone of the star's gravitational pull when I…um. When you wake up, don't throw me out of the airlock, alright? I'm trying my best._

 _Anyway, we couldn't break free of the gravitational pull as it was, so I sort of…flew. Directly at a star. As fast as I could go. Essentially, I utilized the star's own gravity to add extra speed, and then I veered off just enough to slingshot around it and break orbit. Admittedly it wasn't my best idea, but we're still alive!_

 _It almost didn't work, actually, because I miscalculated the mass of the star by a couple grams and did a barrel roll trying to turn. Also, I've blown out one of the transwarp engines, and from what the remaining external cameras show me there's some pretty impressive carbon scoring all down the right side of the Enterprise. Please tell Mr. Scott I'm sorry._

 _I'm gonna get court marshaled for damaging Fleet property, aren't I?_

 _Due to the random nature of my escape plan, we shot off in an undetermined direction, and I'm currently in the process of triangulating our position and that of our destination relative to-_

 _Yeah. We're lost. I'm_ so _, so sorry. It's been at least four years since my last flight simulation, and I've always been awful at star-charts. I'm a scientist, not a navigator, although I guess there is some cross-skill involved._

 _Everyone cashed out right at the end of gamma shift, so really I should be_ asleep _by now. It's been a whole day, could you guys wake up soon so I can go to sleep?_

 _…_

 _Hey! That's Alpha Centauri! I could see those beautiful coronas anywhere. Now, if_ that's _Alpha Centauri, where…Aha! Hello Sol. What are you doing down there?_

 _Okay. I've fixed our position back to its original course, assuming I've triangulated my position correctly and the starbase's coordinates are still right. You might want to check them when you wake up, Mr. Spock, I had to eyeball the distances with the camera feed. I'd be_ really _surprised if we're actually on the right course._

 _Now that we're on a course, and I've got the proximity alarms working again, I'm going to go down to Sickbay and see if I can use the equipment. Side note about the sensors: they've got corroded wiring, like, Statue of Liberty levels of corrosion. I had to do some creative rewiring to bring them back online, Captain, you might want to check on that too. That's what I've really been doing for the last twenty hours, in case you wanted to know. I've basically routed all the systems directly into the warp core._

 _On one hand, it took forever and I can't really see straight, but on the other hand, I've got everything back online. I think it's a fair trade._

 _I guess I'll start a tally for all the things you can write me up for when you're in charge again, because I'm going to raid sickbay for stimulants while I'm down there, and I feel like that's kind of illegal, but if you don't wake up soon I'm going to need something to keep_ me _awake. The Enterprise isn't built for only one person, and I feel like if I take a nap we'll go careening into the nearest star_ again _._

 _For your convenience: Damaging Fleet property, tampering with Fleet property, stealing Fleet property, and possibly unsanctioned use of medical substances. I'll add on as we go. There will probably be more._

 _((()))_

 _Captains Log, Stardate 1576.6. Still me reporting, unfortunately. I'm starting to get really worried. It can't be good for people to be out this long, right Doctor McCoy? I'm afraid there's neural damage, but I don't have enough medical knowledge to really interpret a tricorder reading with enough detail. The more complex machines don't work either, so I can't get any hard data._

 _There's a pattern here, and I don't like it. Anything that was on got zapped, like, the weapons are just fine, but sensors were down. I-I think whatever we flew through did something to the electricity that triggered oxidation, and since everyone on the ship_ survives _on electronic impulses in their_ brains _…What if everyone's corroded on the inside? How do I fix that?_ Can _it be fixed?_

 _Am I driving a ghost ship?_

 _No. That's ridiculous. It'll take more than a mysterious space-blob to bring down the Enterprise and her Captain. You'll be fine, sir, I promise. If you don't wake up soon I'll… I'll call someone and_ they'll _make you fine. Our long-range communications are still on the fritz, but I'm sure I'll run across somebody. I'll even ask a Klingon if I have to._

 _I don't really know what they could_ do _, but it's really the thought that counts at this point. You'd do the same for any of us, after all._

 _Moving on: we seem to be moving in generally the right direction, according to the navigational material that's been cobbled together, so that's positive. Unfortunately, we're still at least three days from any sort of close-range communication with the station with only one of the engines working._

 _That's not fast enough. I'm going to go see what I can do to fix the engine._

 _((()))_

 ** _Recording From Bridge of NCC-1701_**

 ** _Stardate 1577.2_**

 _"nuqheT. What can we do for you today?"_

 _"What homespun flaxen have we swaggering here? Is this not the Enterprise? I, Captain Thiz Krallot, demand to speak to Kirk."_

 _"He's…currently indisposed." *Shuffle* "May I help instead?"_

 _"I can see him behind your chair, fool. Do you think I am easier to be played on than a pipe?"_

 _"Well…"_

 _"And you've stashed his first officer there as well. I'm impressed, human, I didn't think any of Kirk's crew had it in them."_

 _"I can explain! I-Wait. What?"_

 _"Love is blind, and lovers cannot see. Even my comrades fall for his charms and graces, but I see him for what he is: a coward. Truly, you have seen past his glamorous name."_

 _"…What's in a name, really?"_

 _"Indeed! The king's name is a tower of strength, but you have knocked it from beneath him and claimed it for your own."_

 _"Then I suppose…the world is mine oyster?"_

 _"This is the short and the long of it, my young friend. What do you plan to do with your newfound power?"_

 _"My kingdom for a horse, sir."_

 _"How so?"_

 _"During the…struggle…many systems were damaged. We've seen better days. I've lost long-range communications, and I wish to inform Starfleet of my…victory."_

 _"Ah. Small things make base men proud."_

 _"Fair is foul, and foul is fair. If you can give them the message of J-John Smith's betrayal, I shall contact you for an exchange of information as soon as I find myself secure."_

 _"Look like the innocent flower, but be the serpent under't. I shall send your message, but I shall also meet you face to face at a later date. If you attempt to make a mockery of me, I shall know, and you will learn what Klingons do to those who dare lie to them."_

 _"Alright then-I mean, I've found discretion is the better part of valor. Give me coordinates, and unless Kirk rises from his grave to stop me I'll meet you there within the week."_

 _"It shall be done! I take my leave of you, and remind you of the Klingon's might. If you dare attempt to fade away, we will leave no stone unturned, we will find you and your remaining comrades, and we will show no mercy."_

 _"Noted."_

 _"We will see each other soon."_

 _"Alright."_

 _"Do not do anything foolish."_

 _"'Kay."_

 _"The coordinates have been sent. I expect you will come as soon as you are repaired."_

 _"Of course. Have a good rest of your week."_

 _"Do not disappoint me."_

 _…_

 _"Oh, good. He's gone."_

 _((()))_

 _Captain's Log, Stardate 1577.3. Still me. Still alone._ Still _awake._

 _I…_

 _I just…Klingons, sir. I haven't slept for over_ fifty hours _, and Klingons just decide to show up? There I was, trying to finally eat something after stopping the engines from rupturing and killing us all,_ without _proper tools by the way, because all the tools on-deck were fried and I couldn't make a run to supplies, when all the sudden the proximity alarm goes off. Could it have turned out to be a fly-away comet or something? No! Of course not! It had to be one of the species who're fixing to blow us to kingdom come if we blink wrong._

 _On a side note, I've committed treason. Sorry._

 _Starfleet will be here soon, sir, I told you I'd get someone. What would be really awesome would be if they could bring another Doctor McCoy or Mr. Spock with them. You haven't let us all get killed by rampant mystery viruses, fried-egg parasites, or ourselves yet. I figure you'd be able to fix everyone here within a couple of hours, which makes me feel pretty useless._

 _All I can really do is monitor your vitals, and all_ that _does is make me panic. It's like someone slammed the break on all bodily functions in the entire crew, and if I'm reading the tricorder right your breathing rate has been slowly decelerating over the last day._

 _Don't die. Please?_

 _I know we've never really had any sort of contact, but I don't know what I'd do if you died. You're the_ Captain _, you know? We all know you feel awful when you lose one of us, but we do know what we signed up for, and any of us would drop dead on the spot rather than let you down._

 _Well, maybe not Lieutenant Steel from Communications. She's a jerk._

 _Anyway, I'm kind of afraid to leave this chair, because every time I do, something horrible happens. But I need to check on my engine patch job, and also move all the bridge crew into the turbolift. For one thing, it's less likely that you'll brain yourselves on a control panel in there, and if I get another call I don't want the people to think I mutinied and killed you all. It's super awkward._

 _I also need to see if there's a limit for the amount of stimulants a person can use, because I won't be of any help if I keel over and die of a cordafin overdose. There're rumors circling around about people using it for months at a time, but I think they used it in more moderation, and also had a doctor on hand._

 _Before I go, can I make a suggestion?_ Labels _, Doctor. Learn them, love them. All the computerized stuff does nothing if I can't_ access _anything, which I can't because I'm not authorized to go mucking around in medical computers, and these hypos should come with instructions or something. It's stupid to assume there'll always be a medical person around._

 _Thank you for listening. I'm going to go drag you all into the turbolift now._

 _((()))_

 _Captain's Log. Stardate...um…Stardate 1577.7. Nothing else horrible happened yet. My patch job hasn't, I dunno, burst into flames or something, and we'll be in range of the space station…soonish. Like, a day._

 _I'm also_ really _feeling the whole no sleep thing now that I've stopped taking the cordol….corfa…the stuff. Apparenly I almos' overdosed, so I stopped. I also might'a broke your computer, Doc, sorry. Hacking's not my forte._

 _Ask Mr. Spock to fix it. He's smart. But just so ya know, he'll probably do that thing with his eyebrows that means he's super disappointed with your brain. You know, this one._

 _…_

 _I can't really get my eyebrows up that high, but you get me, right?_

 _Speaking of vulcany eyebrows, innit weird how the most super-zen species ever walks around looking like they're spittin' mad? No wonder Vulcans an' humans had problems with the whole first contact thing. Humans probly thought they were seconds from being space-lasered to death._

 _An' then to make it_ more _confusing, instead of movin' their faces to make faces, they move their eyebrows an' say they don't have emotions. 'M sorry, Misser Spock, but everyone knows you got 'em 'cause your eyebrows're more 'spressive 'n most people's faces._

 _Don't worry, we won't tell anyone. But we 'preciate it. You're not really part of the Enterprise Science Department 'til you figger out Misser Spock's eyebrows. Gives us something t' bond over._

 _You also gotta be yelled at by Doctor McCoy, else you won't get the whole experience. You're actually real effective, Dr. McCoy, I've never seen anybody do stupid things like using the shuttles to space-surf after you've got to 'em. That happened on my last ship._

 _Did_ not _end well, lemme tell you. I told 'em it was stupid, but no one listens t' me._

 _An' then the Captain said it was_ my _fault! How'zat fair? He wazza jerk, not like you at all, sir. I dunno what his problem was, but he tried to fire me like five times. Ha. Showed him, didn't I?_

 _Well, sort of. This isn't goin' to plan, 'zactly, so he might've had a point._

 _Anyway. Status report: we're not dead. 'S about the only good thing I can think of t' say because I'm afraid you're all_ dying _and Starfleet's gonna get here and I'll be flying an empty ship of corpses and I'll be morrly obligated to defect to th' Klingons an' sell Fedration secrets 'cause you'll be dead._

 _It's been more 'n two days. Y'all are gonna die of dehydration or something, an' how'm I supposed ta fix that? Turn on the fire suppression system?_

 _Izzat foam or water? I can't 'member. Everything's real fuzzy, and…and…_

 _…_

 _Zzzzzz…_

 _…_

 _'M awake!_

 _This innt gonna fly, I need coffee. But I shouldn't leave th' chair again, I feel like Imma jinx myself._

 _You know what this chair needs, Cap'n? A replicator. Then you could enjoy refreshing beverages while bluffing away hostile entetet…people. Add to your unflapped image. Also, I could get coffee and not hafta move. Or take the turbolift._

 _It's real awkward to ride that thing with like six other people squished in, almost as awkward as that whole alcohol virus thing. I joined a singalong with Riley and tried t' make a solid wall of sound that almos' blew out the entire science lab._

 _Poor Riley. Ya know people still sing that song to him, the Kathleen one, when he gets obnoxious, shuts him right up. An' Mr. Sulu's codename's 'Swashbuckler' in th' gossip wheel. Don't tell'im I said that, though._

 _Hmmm…_

 _…_

 _Zzzz-Okay! Imma go get some caffeine._

 _((()))_

 ** _Recording From Bridge of NCC-1701_**

 ** _Stardate 1577.7_**

 _"Captain Kirk! We have heard so much about you."_

 _"Wha? I'm…I'm not-"_

 _"The Tarripiasn people graciously welcome you to our little corner of the galaxy, and wish you smooth swaying."_

 _"Um. You too?"_

 _"Human humor, yes? Most incomprehensible. Of course, most species haven't yet evolved past the baser levels of entertainment."_

 _"Who're you callin' base? You look like a ginormous squ-gift…to the world. You know, in general."_

 _"We don't follow. Are you mocking us?"_

 _"No. No mockery. Promise."_

 _"We were warned of the 'sarcasm' occurrence, Kirk, its witchcraft will not work on us."_

 _"I think some things are gettin' lost in translation here."_

 _"And now you insult our intelligence! You go too far, captain, we must ask you to leave at once."_

 _"I'm sorry, but I'm confused. Why are you talkin' t' me, exactly?"_

 _"Surely you are the one the Federation sent to barter with us for our dilithium. You can tell them we are not interested to associate ourselves with such crass creatures."_

 _"That's a two-way street, beaky, you be nice to me first an' maybe we'll talk."_

 _"Why I never!"_

 _"What happened to we? Did I shock the other yous to death? Sorry."_

 _"You are clearly insane."_

 _"I'm not who y'think I am, I think. Sorry for that too."_

 _"The Federation will hear of this. They assured us they were sending their best, and if you are what they have to offer the galaxy is in trouble."_

 _"I know, I know. Don't worry, I'm not the best."_

 _"We demand the Vulcan ambassador we were…Are you sleeping?"_

 _"Zzzz-No. Don' be silly, I was meditating. Clears th' soul."_

 _"…Indeed. We shall take our leave of you, Kirk, and await someone more_ civilized _to converse with."_

 _"Good choice, really. Jus' so you know, there're Klingons skulkin' around, an' they're even worse than I am. I wouldn't let 'em land anywhere if I were you."_

 _"Just…Just leave us. We will make sure you leave the system."_

 _"'Kay. Thanks."_

 _…_

 _…_

 _…_

 _"What wazzat about?"_

 _((()))_

 _Captain's Log. Stardate 1577.7._

 _I didn't even make it outta th' turbolift this time! An' I don't even look anything like you sir, 'cept for being blondish. Speciesist Terrapin tentacle people._

 _((()))_

 _Captain's Log. Stardate 1577.8. I'm reallyreally awake now. Wow! Everything's so clear. Did you know there's this Vulcan drink with like four times the amount of caffeine in an espresso? Because there is, and it's_ fabulous _. Like, that old singer David Bowie fabulous. I think I can see sound._

 _Why is this a thing? Since Vulcans are all about controlling everything, why do they need this much energy for_ anything _? What does it achieve? Why is it programmed into our replicator? Can I stop asking questions?_

 _I probably shouldn't have drank two… Drunk? Drinken? Whatever. They come in these irresistibly adorable baby espresso cups and I was powerless. Powerless, I say._

 _Now I can't focus, but in a good way. I hope I don't crash too hard when this wears off, that would be so bad. Also, massive headache, not fun. Might've overdone the caffeine just a_ tiny _bit._

 _What's that?_

 _*CRASH*_

 _Oh, wow. Dizzy. Anyway, what's that?_

 _…_

 _Someone's in the transporter room. No one was in there before, right? Right._

 _GAH!_

 _They moved! Two of 'em. It's either Mudd again, or eeeevil, not that those two things are mutually exclusive. Besides, only bad things appear all the sudden._

 _Well try to get me now, mystery malevolence! Sealed off the room til' I can get down there. It'll only take like a minute 'cause I feel like the world's going in slow motion. Bye Captain. Sorry for accidentally impersonating you earlier._

 _((()))_

 _Medical Log. Stardate 1578.0. Entry made by Commanding Medical Officer Leonard McCoy, or as the kid has oh so charmingly dubbed me, 'The Fake McCoy'. At least it's a clever pun._

 _Hey! What's so funny, chucklehead?_

 _Oh for-You just got the joke. Siddown before you hurt yourself._

 _Situation report: This ain't my ship, or my crew. We seemed to have hopped dimensions into your lovely vessel, and can't leave until we swing back through the ion storm. We're about to hit it now, and so I figure I'd leave a note because the kid isn't in any shape to be coherent right now, despite his insistence to the contrary._

 _Aw. He's asleep._

 _*CRASH*_

 _Never mind. Y'all are lucky Spock and Jim were with me, or else things woulda gone south real fast. We beamed in, just returning from some delegation meeting on another ship, and all of the sudden the transporter room goes on lockdown. Naturally, I was not happy._

 _I was even less happy when a frazzled, grease-smeared, slightly singed lieutenant finally lifted the lockdown, only to flap a hand at us and tell us to 'shoo' because he didn't have time for alternate universe counterparts._

 _Then Jim steps up and tries to do his whole Captain bit, but the kid just looks straight at him and tells him to zip it because he's not the real captain, and he's probably evil to boot. But that wasn't the best part by a long shot. Watching Spock try to use logic on a sleep-deprived, jacked up on caffeine human might have been the funniest thing I've ever seen. They were both so confused._

 _Made my day, that's for sure._

 _If it were up to me, I would've hypoed him into oblivion before he could blink. I've still got my kit with me, but after Jim charmed the story out of the kid he made me promise not to do it. Some hogwash about not wanting his ship without any crew, which, alright, but our dear little lieutenant needs some serious rest. I suggest you, other McCoy, take him off-duty until he can uncross his eyes._

 _Anyway, after he got us up to speed, Spock and I spent the next few hours scrambling around the ship trying to keep y'all from dying a horrible death. We had our own little paranoid shadow the whole time, which turned out helpful, because when we went into the lab he basically exploded science everywhere, something about sub-space radiation, which got Spock hoppin'._

 _The two of them built what looked like a death ray together. It was very sweet and a little unsettling. Allegedly it 'reversed' the corrosion and restored the synaptic pathways, but I'm pretty sure they dumbed it down for me, because that's not physically possible._

 _After a few tests on the ruined circuitry, they tried it on one Ensign Yeltz, who apparently sings a mean round of karaoke, and she stared waking up almost immediately. Once the kid saw it worked, he dragged us to that turbolift that goes up to the bridge without missing a beat._

 _Imagine our surprise when it opened to show a bridge crew dog pile. According to the lieutenant, there were Klingons. Nobody's quite sure how that has to do with dumping the illustrious captain into a turbolift, but he wouldn't say anything else about it._

 _After this universe's Kirk started to move again, the kid pretty much swooned. Either because he was relieved or because the caffeine poisoning finally got to him, I'm not really sure._

 _What on earth even possessed him to drink_ two _of those Vulcan death concoctions? Just one is enough to make someone feel like they can vibrate through a bulkhead. If I didn't have to leave within the next twenty minutes I'd do more than just give him a detox hypo, that's for sure. I mean-_

 _What?_

 _Oh, hold your horses Hobgoblin, I'm coming. Hey kid, don't do anything strenuous for the next twenty-four hours._

 _Yes, I know you're not a kid. No, I don't care. Just lay down, for heaven's sake, and go to sleep. Your captain will be up any moment, and it'll be his job to fix whatever you broke._

 _Kid, take a deep breath. Hysterical laughter never helped anyone. Just-_

 _Alright, Spock, alright, I'm leaving._

 _Bye kid._

 _Fake McCoy out._

 _((()))_

"Alright, that was all Uhura could salvage. Thoughts?"

"Yeah, Jim, I've got a thought. How are we going to explain this to Starfleet?"

"I find telling the truth works best, Doctor."

"No one's asking you, Spock."

"I asked him _and_ you, Bones, don't be sour because another alternate universe you was on the ship. Besides, I was talking about the lack of glory seeking crewmen. You'd think he'd be jumping at the chance to get some publicity."

"I believe I know who captained the ship over the last three days, and his silence is unsurprising."

…

"Are you gonna clue us in, Spock? Him and I need to have a discussion. Scotty wants to talk to him too, actually."

"You know, Bones, that's probably why he hasn't said anything yet. He seemed pretty convinced that he was going to be punished."

"He most likely will face judiciary action for bargaining with Klingons and complicating diplomatic relations with the Tarripiasn people."

"That's ridiculous!"

"Indeed."

"Jim, you can't let 'em do anything to this kid. He's had a hard enough week already."

"I'm with you, Bones, I really am, but then what do you want me to tell them? We lost all recordings of the last three days?"

"It could work, it almost happened. Hey! Hobgoblin, you never said who you thought our mystery caffeine addict was."

"If you must know, he is most likely Lieutenant Jack Gabler. He works closely with Ensign Yeltz and specializes in communication sciences. He was recently doing research on a new frequency combination to maximize the speed of information transfer."

"Oh, him. He keeps to himself, mostly, and I don't think he'd appreciate the extra attention if his actions were broadcasted. I think we can keep this to ourselves, can't we Bones?"

"I'm still calling him in for a physical."


	2. Chapter 2

Alright, this might be a little long.

First of all, thanks a ton to everyone who reviewed this. I was going to respond, but then I realized that I have the same ability to communicate with people _on_ the internet as I do _off_ the internet. That is, absolutely none. But you are all wonderful and I really appreciated it! Second of all, a full write-up of Jack's misadventures is in the works, including the requested sleep deprived human vs. Vulcan. It will _eventually_ happen. I'm just glacially slow and a massive procrastinator. If breathing wasn't automatic I'd put it off until the last second. Finally, I hope this is a good follow-up to the first part, because it was originally just supposed to be a one-shot and done, but then it ate my brain and decided to run off into the wild blue yonder. We'll see how it goes.

I don't own anything recognizable in this. Enjoy.

((()))

Jack was, well, he was confused. Not in a _bad_ way, mind you, but he had definitely expected some sort of comeuppance for a) shredding the engines, and b) being the worst diplomat to ever exist in the history of Starfleet. He wasn't even getting any weird looks from Mr. Spock, and he happened to work in Mr. Spock's favorite lab, so their paths had crossed several times in the last couple of days.

He _had_ given his name in his report, hadn't he? The memory was smeared around a bit, but he distinctly remembered, because the entire ship had started rattling around him when he said it: Jackson Ottoway.

It was bizarre, honestly, because the command personnel usually went out of their way to interact with people who managed to differentiate themselves from the masses. It didn't really matter if it was good or bad, and he'd definitely created a negative differentiation with his little using-a-belt-to-hold-the-engine-together stunt. He was fairly certain the whole ship had heard Mr. Scott's howl of unending rage when he finally got around to looking at the engine room.

…Maybe Captain Kirk just hadn't found the reports yet. It made sense, why would the captain check his _own_ logs to see what happened to the suspicious blank spot in his memory?

Jack nodded to himself and refocused on his task: peeling apart the emissions of a meteor sample. It kept warping sub-space transmissions, and it surrounded the space station they were recuperating at. If nothing else, it explained why he hadn't been able to get in touch with them despite 'fixing' the arrays to the best of his abilities, but it left them a little stranded as they tried to figure out how to send for replacement engine parts.

It was just _not_ their week, was it?

The overgrown mass-spectrometer purred happily as it munched apart the sample, and Jack tried very hard to not fall asleep while he listlessly paged through the readouts. Doctor McCoy had given him a once-over in which he was summarily told he was in perfect health and to lay off the caffeine, but he was _exhausted_.

He hadn't had time to crash yet, what with the mandatory medical checkups for everyone and his shift unmercifully deciding to come up right afterward, and being unconscious for five hours wasn't nearly enough recuperation in his opinion.

"Mr. Ottoway, are you quite well?"

Jack nearly jumped out of his skin when Mr. Spock _materialized_ behind him. He knew! He was coming to get him and throw him into the brig! He was…asking about his health?

Out of the corner of his eye Jack saw his Vulcan superior raise a brow in a mildly concerned fashion, probably because of the alarming wobble his knees had just given, and tried to divert attention away from himself as quickly as possible. "Fine! I'm fine, just…thinking."

Spock looked skeptical, but thankfully let it go and turned to converse with the newest addition to the lab. One Gabler, who was just as confused about his promotion as everyone else, looked almost incandescently happy that Spock wanted to know what he thought about the trace amounts of antimony in the rock fragments.

Jack was pretty sure Gabler and him were name-buddies. He wasn't quite sure how he felt about that, because the little guy was kind of sneaky and a shameless suck-up, but also really good at his job and relatable in that he was just as terrified of his superior officers as Jack was.

Maybe Jack could convince him to take all the credit for his massively botched foray into the command limelight, he seemed like the kind of person who'd jump at recognition. Of course, that would mean _admitting_ to his massively botched foray, which brought up another question.

Morally speaking, did he have to tell the captain where his reports were? And, in so doing, did he have to own up to everything? Because he'd really rather not. He had decided to take his What Would Kirk Do approach and shove it for the time being in the interests of his personal sanity.

With two hours left on gamma shift, Jack resigned himself to bouncing random radiation frequencies off his remaining samples while Gabler preened over in the corner. Maybe he'd get lucky and something would disintegrate.

((()))

His shoot and pray approach had, unsurprisingly, failed, but it helped him keep awake. What kept him _less_ awake was Yeltz dragging him to the mess hall for dinner and trying to talk about her drama with Steel.

Jack did not want to get involved with _that_ particular issue. Instead, he got her rolling on the subject of Gabler and proceeded to fall asleep face first into his salad.

As he fell blissfully unconscious, Jack caught the start of Yeltz's indignant rant about fair-weather friends and how _she_ would have still sat with Gabler if the captain had suddenly started inviting _her_ to eat with him.

He woke up a couple of seconds later with a yelp when she pinched him in the side. _Hard_.

"Why would you _do_ that?" Jack rubbed gingerly at his side and glared at his friend. She glared back much more effectively than he ever could.

"When I'm gossiping, I expect you to listen." She flicked his nose, then added, "You've got lettuce on your face, you know."

Before Jack could respond, he felt his approaching doom settle behind him and irritably clear its throat. He nearly gave himself whiplash turning to face Doctor McCoy, who gave him a supremely unimpressed look. "What's this I hear about you swooning in the middle of your shift?"

Instead of the calm and rational denial Jack had been planning, or even blaming a sudden case of vertigo, he blurted, "I don't _swoon_ , why do people keep saying that?"

Doctor McCoy gave him a suspicious and squinty-eyed look Jack thought was reserved for the captain and asked, "Where have you been lately?"

"In the Astrophysics lab?" Jack didn't know what the CMO wanted, but it wasn't that judging from his derisive snort.

"Before that, Lieutentant, before that."

Well, he was running around the ship and ruining everything within sight, but that obviously wasn't going to fly as an answer. "I was…unconscious. Yes. Just like everyone else."

The Eyebrow of Doom made an appearance. Never a good sign. "I'm old, not senile. _Where_ did you lose conciousness? From what we've seen, some parts of the ship were hit harder than others, and you might be one of the ones still suffering side effects."

"The…um…the Astrophysics lab?" Why was he so _bad_ at lying? "I've already seen you, Doctor, and you said I was fine."

"Hmm." The good doctor didn't look too convinced, and Jack couldn't blame him. Anyone who believed him probably needed a trip to Sickbay on account of being dumb as a rock.

To his eternal shock, Doctor McCoy scrutinized him one last time and swept away instead of demanding answers. Jack watched him stalk back to his seat next to Mr. Spock, and was thoroughly disturbed when the man turned to Mr. Spock and smiled like the cat who got the canary.

CMO's smiling like that lead to _nothing_ good. It was a universal truth of Starfleet, like how death was exponentially more likely the friendlier an alien population was, or that giant things floating in space always wanted to kill you.

Yeltz gently turned him back to face forward, breaking his train of though and peeling something off his cheek. She waved a rather robust leaf of lettuce at him. "You do realize this was on your face the entire time?"

Jack groaned in mortification and buried his head in his arms, mashing his face back into the salad by accident. If he didn't get to sleep soon he was going to kill someone.

((()))

Seventeen blissful hours later, Jack woke up feeling a little muzzy but wonderfully refreshed. He had a good feeling about today. Everything would go back to normal, Doctor McCoy would be his usual grumpy self, and Jack could return to barely existing on the ship-wide radar.

He lazily swung his gaze to the old-fashioned analogue clock Yeltz had foisted upon him, and his blood ran cold.

 _He was two hours late for his shift_.

The next ten minutes passed in a mad scramble as he tried to put himself together and simultaneously run down to the astrophysics laboratory. Jack skidded in front of the lab in record time, hopping on one foot as he yanked on his boot, and nearly fainted as the door slid open to reveal a supremely disappointed Mr. Spock.

 _He was going to DIE_.

"Mr. Ottoway, where have you been?"

Jack's mouth moved, but no sound came out. He managed a quiet, airy whine after a bit of effort.

"You are aware gamma shift started over 2.153 hours ago?" Mr. Spock's eyebrow ratcheted up higher at Jack's mildly hysterical and rapid nod, but he continued, "As this is your first offence, I shall only revoke your access to recreational activities for the next twenty-four hours. Do not be late again, Lieutenant."

"Yessir. It won't happen again, sir. Sorry sir." Jack masterfully repressed the urge to burst into happy tears as the Vulcan strode down the hallway after giving him a considering look. That wasn't _half_ as bad as he thought it was going to be.

Letting loose a deep, relieved sigh, he waved to Gabler and settled back into his station. Now that he wasn't about to expire from exhaustion, the readings were making _much_ more sense. In fact, he was fairly certain an alternating pattern of some sort could destabilize them enough to render them ineffective, judging by how his readouts. It was kind of like what he and Not-Spock did to fix the crew's synapses, but more…moresome.

"Gabler! Come here, I've got an idea." An idea of this magnitude needed two people to carry it out, of course. Then he could split the glory and avoid any kind of awkward congratulations if it worked, or split the shame if it exploded.

Gabler, to his credit, caught on quickly to the idea after looking at Jack's readings. They had the frequencies that had impacted the emissions, they just needed the resonance, and so they went about experimenting. The guy might not have been the most masterful at dealing with electromagnetics, but he certainly knew how to set up a test-trial.

The largest sample they had went onto a small pedestal in the middle of the lab, surrounded by little emitters and speakers, while the two of them crouched on opposite sides of the makeshift table with communicators.

It kind of looked like a shrine, and turning off the lights to reduce background radiation as much as possible only added to the mildly creepy atmosphere. This only occurred to Jack, of course, after the door slid open to admit Captain Kirk, who briefly looked like he had been knocked for a loop when two of his crewmen sitting in the dark around a softly glowing stone yelled, "No!" and " _My readings_!" instead of welcoming him in.

The captain's shock only lasted a blink or two, but it was enough time for Mr. Spock and Doctor McCoy to peer around him and into the room. Doctor McCoy, in all of his southern gentility, drawled, "You two startin' up a cult?"

Jack was saved from having to answer when Mr. Spock replied, "Illogical, doctor, these two are obviously conducting an experiment on the effects of the electromagnetic spectrum on our asteroid problem. What are your findings, gentlemen?"

And science promptly spattered everywhere as the two scientists excitedly explained their alternating cancellation theory. Jack really couldn't help himself, it was just so _exciting_ , and Mr. Spock had gotten that spark in his eye that meant a breakthrough was around the corner, which honestly just fanned the flames.

He was so far gone into _SCIENCE_ that when Mr. Spock asked if it drew inspiration from his anti-corrosion ray, he said "Yes, exactly!" without really thinking about it. Then he realized what he said and almost whacked himself upside the head. He was so _bad_ at secrets.

All three of his commanding officers stared at him in the ensuing silence, which was _highly_ disconcerting, until Doctor McCoy once again shattered it. " _Ha_! Take that you green-blooded computer, I told you it wasn't Gabler!"

Gabler, the little traitor, decided to cut his losses and made a beeline for the door at the declaration of his innocence. The three let him through with barely any acknowledgement beyond polite nodding, which Jack rather resented, because they looked like they weren't going to let him try that any time soon.

Instead of running for the door behind him, like Jack really, _really_ wanted to, he politely asked the computer to turn the lights back on and decided to act like a professional. He didn't think it would be too hard, even Doctor McCoy pulled it off every now and then.

"So," Captain Kirk stepped further into the room, pinning Jack with a look that was both amused and serious, "you're the one Scotty wants to get his hands on."

"It was an accident!" Jack internally cringed even as the excuse jumped out of his mouth. The captain didn't tolerate excuses, or people panicking at his presence like a green ensign. Professionalism. "I mean, it was…I was…there were extenuating circumstances. Sir."

Doctor McCoy sighed at him as if he were the cause of all the problems in the world. Which, to be fair, he kind of was at this point. "You're not in trouble, Ottoway, we're tryin' to _thank_ you."

This was…unexpected. Jack slowly blinked as his brain scrambled for an answer, but he couldn't think of anything that had really gone right beyond no one being permanently damaged, and even then there were broken limbs and major concussions. "But…why?"

Jack could have gone his whole life without experiencing _three_ incredulously raised eyebrows at once, thanks, but Kirk spoke before he could continue. "Why not? You behaved admirably under pressure, prevented four hundred needless deaths, and haven't stepped forward to claim any credit. Is there any particular reason for that, or are you just unfathomably humble?"

Was the captain _teasing_ him? He totally was! But no matter, Jack was too busy fumbling with an answer to fully appreciate the mind-boggling reality. "I thought you'd be mad!" Great, now he saw _six_ incredulously raised eyebrows. "I-I nearly flew us into a star!" Still nothing. "I _stole_ from Sickbay and broke Doctor McCoy's computer!" Now they were looking nonplussed on purpose, he was sure of it. "I made deals with Klingons and almost committed treason! I caused an interplanetary incident with those crazy turtle people! I _mutilated_ the engine room and probably got melted plastic _everywhere_! _We're all stranded_ right now because of me!"

"Ya know," Doctor McCoy cut through Jack's increasingly hysterical list of crimes as if he wasn't speaking, "you're psych eval says you're excessively negative, but this is taking things a bit far."

"Indeed." For the first time since coming aboard, Jack repressed the urge to scowl at Mr. Spock. It wasn't _excessive_ , it was _realistic_.

"Unfortunately for you, Starfleet absolutely agrees with you. They've been howling for the blood of 'John Smith' since before we arrived at the station." Jack blanched at the admittance, but Captain Kirk shot him a reassuring smile as he continued, "Fortunately for you, I _dis_ agree with their conclusion. As long as you refrain from unauthorized contact with extraterrestrials and never set foot in Scotty's realm again, you'll be fine."

Jack's eyes were probably as big as saucers at this point. "Really?"

"I can't promise anything if Scotty realizes it was _you_ who tampered with his Lady, but yes." The captain's smile took on a wicked edge. "I don't suppose you'd want a medal for your actions?"

The absolutely horrified look Jack shot him was enough to send Doctor McCoy into a suspicious 'coughing' fit.

Before Jack could recover his wits, Spock simply said, "Well done, Mr. Ottoway," and Vulcan and Captain walked off side by side. Apparently they were done with the whole affair.

Jack didn't bother to hide the goofy smile. A word of approval from Mr. Spock was _better_ than a medal. Lots of people got medals, Starfleet probably handed one out every day, but getting praise from the Vulcan was like winning the lottery during a blue moon while Klingons beamed down to declare eternal peace for the galaxy.

In other words: _pretty awesome_.

He was jolted out of his joyful internal preening when the Doctor huffed impatiently and planted himself in front of Jack. "Well, get goin'."

Jack felt like he had been doing a lot of uncomprehending staring lately. Doctor McCoy didn't seem phased by it. "You're comin' with me, and we're doing a _full physical_ , not that preliminary hogwash from before. Who knows what kind of damage you've done to yourself?"

"But…I'm fine."

That earned Jack a bone-chilling glare. "You're not fine 'til I _say so_ , Lieutenant, now move! Spock's already got someone else on your little cult-project, so you've got no excuses. While we're walking, we can have a little chat about proper stimulant usage." Jack decided to just cut his losses and morosely followed behind the disturbingly cheerful CMO to his new doom.

At least he hadn't ended up in the brig. Again.


End file.
